Parent | Caught in the Middle

Managing Problems in a Blended Family

Divorcees with children may eventually find themselves ready to move on and remarry. They usually arrive at a place of restored confidence, ready to try marriage again. When one or both parties bring children into a second marriage, problems can occur. Carefully thought out plans can avoid the major problems, and allow them to overlook the small ones.

Set up rules

Parents have their own ideas when it comes to how to discipline or reward their children. They also have their own set of responsibilities they feel their child is capable of handling. The couple planning to join their families together as one, need to know where each one stands on methods of discipline and on what qualifies as an infraction. Through discussions and compromises, they can prepare one another for an essential part of parenting that will prevent skirmishes once the family is living together under one roof.

Ages of the children

Younger children, including babies, toddlers, and middle-aged children have the advantage over pre-teens and adolescents, as they adjust quickly to new settings. Older children will need additional support that both parents can give them. Both parents should talk to the children and ask for their feedback. Parents can do this separately at first, and then together as a family.

Having the children write lists of the pros and cons of a blended family. Once this is completed, encourage the children to participate in a session of problem solving. Have each child come up with ideas for solutions on how to turn a con on the list into a pro.

Marrying and having children can bring with it unexpected consequences and rewards. Blending two families together in marriage can compound problems, but it can also double the rewards, if the adults involve their children in preparing for any issues that may arise, and in helping to resolve them.

Filed Under: Family, Stress Tagged With: Family, Marriage, Parent

Divorce and Teenagers

Whenever children are involved in the process of divorce, the stress on families is especially difficult. All family members experience a series of emotions. For small children, there is the added stress of the unknown.

Teenagers will go through the same range of emotions as young children, but at a more intense level. Because of the physical and psychological changes teens go through, all of their emotions, including hurt, anger, and fear, run deeper. When teenagers’ parents go through a divorce, they need special attention. There are ways to ease teenagers’ stress during the divorce process that will also help the parents.

Talk to each other

Divorcing parents must work out custody of the children and visitation rights. They need to understand that their teens will need both of them for emotional support. Parents have to be sure they know both parents love them, regardless of the reasons for the divorce. They should also agree never to blame one another in front of their teens.

Talk to the teen

Divorcing parents need to set up a time to talk to their teenage children together, explaining the divorce. Without detailing the most personal reasons, parents should talk to their teens about where everyone will live and how both parents will continue to be in the teens’ lives.

Reassure and support

While talking to their teens, it is essential for parents to assure them that they had nothing to do with the decision to divorce. Parents also must convince their teenager that although the decision to separate was theirs, they understand how it will affect the teen, and that both parents will try to help them through the process.

Seek help

Arrange for counseling during the divorce proceedings. Professionals can offer advice and support. Arrange for separate counseling sessions for parents, for their teenagers, and sessions for the entire family.

Finally, find support groups where other families of divorce meet and share their feelings of hurt, anger, and fear. Simply talking about it with others going through the same thing, can help to ease the pain family members feel during a divorce.

Filed Under: Divorce Tagged With: Divorce, Parent

Discipline and the Single Parent

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Many divorced people will find that their children may suddenly start misbehaving more than normal. Often this behavior is played out in mind games ” children”s way of dealing with the breakdown of their family. Even though the marriage no longer exists, parents do not divorce their children. Therefore discipline should still be a two-parent process, especially for major decisions. This is especially important if the parent with custody is still single.

If one parent believes that a child is pitting one against the other, they need to discuss most disciplinary decisions. One parent may say no to something and the child then gets a yes from the other parent. If both parents discuss requests and major decisions they can generally put up a united front. The child should also know that this type of behavior will not be tolerated.

Granted, it will not always be possible to communicate with the non-custodial parent. Much day-to-day discipline will rest on the parent who has custody. This can be hard, especially if the parent is overcompensating for the “loss” of the other parent.

If both exes have different disciplinary styles, having children who frequently spend time in both households can be confusing. Setting boundaries is therefore important so that the child knows what is acceptable and what is not.

Sometimes it will be necessary for a single parent to seek help when it comes to disciplining their children. This may be just a matter of talking to another single parent, a teacher or counselor. An impartial person sometimes has a perspective that you do not have.

One way to make a success of discipline as a single parent is to be direct in some expectations such as when to go to bed. Sometimes punishment will be necessary to reinforce the disciplinary actions. Punishment should be appropriate to the age of the child.

Filed Under: Divorce, Parenting Tagged With: Divorce, Parent, Single-parent

Helping Children from Divorced Families During the Holidays

The holidays can be a tough time for children with divorced parents. They may be coping when it comes to everyday life, but they want Christmas to be like it always was in past years. If the parents do not live near each other, the holidays can mean the child will be traveling and spending time with the non-custodial parent as well. There are many feelings the child may be dealing with that you can help address.

The child may feel guilty for leaving mom or dad at Christmas and spending time with their other parent. It is up to you to make them feel good about spending the holidays with the other parent. Explain to them that although you will miss them, that you will be having a nice holiday too, having dinner with a friend or family member or whatever your plans may be.

If your divorce was amicable, maybe you and your ex can bite the bullet and spend the holiday together. But, don’t do this if you feel there is a risk you can’t get along and may fight or argue in front of your children. Your children would love the chance to spend the holidays with both parents, but it is certainly not worth it if they are going to fight or argue all the time.

Don’t forget about the grandparents at Christmas. Just because you have divorced your ex, doesn’t mean that your children divorce their grandparents. This especially important if your former spouse may not be in the picture as much. If your child’s grandparents are good to them and want to spend time with them, you are only hurting your children by not allowing them to spend time together. The holidays are about family, even if your family is a bit different from what is normal.

Filed Under: Divorce, Parenting Tagged With: Christmas, Divorce, Family, Parent

Advice for Parents Going Through Divorce

When a couple decides to get a divorce, the children may not understand why this is happening. They may wonder why mom and dad would do this and think they are doing it to be mean. It is up to both parents to help the children understand why the divorce is happening and to why it is actually a good thing for their family.

Your children may think that because you are getting divorced that they won’t see their mom or won’t see their dad because that is what happened to a friend of theirs. Assure them that you and your soon to be ex both want to be involved in their lives and that you will both be spending lots of time with them throughout the process and once the divorce is final.

Your children may go through a phase where they want to try and get their parents to stay together or get back together. If you see this in your children you will want to have a discussion with them about why you and your ex broke up and why it would not be for anyone’s best interest for you to get back together. It is perfectly natural for your children to want to see their parents together, but it isn’t a good for them to hold the fantasy that one day everything is just going to magically be all better.

Finally, it is very important for both parents to make sure their children do not hear them talking badly about each other. If they overhear you saying bad things about your ex to your friends they may either start to believe these things, or they may get angry at you. Either scenario is not a good one, and creates extra tensions at a time that is already pretty stressful.

Filed Under: Divorce, Parenting Tagged With: Child, Divorce, Family, Parent

Helping Your Child Through Divorce Related Sadness

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One of the hardest things for a parent is trying to help their children if they are feeling sad or depressed. It can be especially hard if this sadness comes because of a divorce or separation. Sometimes the child will need to work through certain aspects of the situation on their own; however, there are certainly ways that you can help your child feel better about the situation.

First, make sure your child has plenty of opportunities to spend time with and communicate with the other parent. Hopefully your ex wants to be involved in your child’s everyday life and they will be able to talk every day that they can’t see each other. The internet is a great tool for keeping in touch. With the social networks like Facebook and tools like Skype available there are more ways than ever to communicate with your loved ones.

Next, make sure that your children know they can talk to you about any concerns they may have. Many times kids have questions that they would really like to know the answer to, but they are afraid to go to their parents with them. They may wonder if one day their parents will get back together, or they may be worried about you dating other people. Make sure you are a good source of information for your children and they will want to come to you with all of their concerns in the future.

Finally, try to keep your child’s life as stable as you possibly can. If you can avoid having them change schools during the divorce that would be ideal. If you do have to move, help them to visit their old friends and help them fix their new room the way they want it. Stability will go a long way in helping your child feel more comfortable about the entire situation.

Filed Under: Divorce, Parenting Tagged With: Child, Divorce, Facebook, Parent, Skype

Divorce along with debt can be extremely stressful

Divorce is definitely another beginning of a new life. You have to take care of many things happening around you but if you are a parent and looking for a divorce, your responsibility is doubled. No matter what is the age of kid, he or she will feel the stress of parents getting separated. You will also be stressful because of your divorce and leading debts and bills associated with that. This is your responsibility to satisfy them by letting them know that all of this divorce and debt is not their fault.

The main stress for kids behind divorce is they are going to loose one of the parents. You must assure them to think positively and your love will for them will never be decreased even after divorce. You might not like your partner and that is why you want a divorce but remember you both are equally important for your kids. Do not say harsh things about your partner in front of your kid; this may hurt your child’s feelings.

The toughest time is to tell your children about your divorce. You will have to choose proper words with empathetic tone. Do not ever lie to them about why you want to get divorce. They have equal rights to know. Give satisfactory answers to all of their questions and make sure they know how much you love them. You must listen to your kid’s feelings too and pay value to them. Bring some fluency in your decisions if you give priority to your kid. Treat your kid’s confusion with patience and remind them that both of you are going to love them in same way even after divorce.

You must help your child to adjust himself according to the change. This can easily be done by providing as much stability and structure as possible in their daily lives. Remember it is not an easy task but not that difficult to be worried about. You can do it with patience and attention.

Filed Under: Divorce Tagged With: Children's Issues, Christian, Divorce, Family, Home, Marriage, Parent, Relationships

Mentoring for Children Going Through Divorce

Even with divorce as prevalent in our society as it is, kids can sometimes feel like they are the only ones that are going through the emotions associated with divorce. There are many different ways to help them with their feelings. Some children may need to see a therapist, some children will work through the feelings alone, and some children may get great benefits from a mentor. A mentor would be an older teenager that has gone through some of the same things in the past and could provide some wisdom and advice for your child as well as being a friend to them.

You likely already know someone who would be a great candidate to mentor your child through this difficult time. If you go to church, look at some of the kids in youth group that really seem to have it together, and think if maybe one of them have gone through divorce. Chances are there are a few of them. Or maybe you have a divorced friend with a teen. Just make sure you choose someone who will be a good support for your child. This isn’t something you would usually pay someone to do; it’s not like being a babysitter. But you may consider giving a nice gift to them for their birthday or Christmas just to thank them for everything they do.

Your child will more than likely love having the attention of a teenager, they will feel special having this friend and they may be able to share more or talk about things with them that they can’t with their parents. For many kids, having someone who is there and ready to listen can mean the difference between getting through the divorce in one piece and cracking under the pressure. Mentors are a great solution for many children that are struggling with their parents divorce.

Filed Under: Divorce, Parenting Tagged With: Child, Christmas, Divorce, Parent

Don’t Stay Together for the Kids

Have you ever heard of someone saying they are “staying together for the kids”? This is a common reason why many people fail to get divorced even though it may be the best thing for their family. If you and your spouse are doing this, you may consider some of the following reasons why this is a bad idea.

First, you will never be able to be the best parent and person you can be if you are always putting everything ahead of your own needs. Staying with a partner that is completely wrong for you is one of the worst ways you can hurt yourself. Over time you will start to feel more and more worn down and weary from this.

Secondly, you will never be able to meet someone who can fulfill your needs if you are staying married to the wrong person. It’s human nature to want someone to share your life with, but staying with the wrong person, even for the great reason of helping out your children is not going to make you feel good. If you want a partner, you need to be able to find one without a bad marriage hanging over your head.

Finally, the stress with having you and your spouse trying to stay together when you clearly aren’t compatible is quite a bit worse for your children than the stress involved with divorce. Hearing their parents continuously argue and fight is very stressful and can cause children to feel depressed or start to blame themselves.

So, as you can see, even though divorce can be a rough time for children, staying together for the kids is not a good reason to stay together. If you think your marriage can be saved, try to save it. But, save it for yourselves.

Filed Under: Divorce Tagged With: Divorce, Marriage, Parent, Relationships

Dealing With a Child’s Rejection

Depending on the age of your children when you go through your divorce they may react in many different ways. One reaction that many parents don’t expect is by rejecting one parent. If the child feels like one parent is the one that is responsible for the divorce, this is more likely to happen.

This is most common among teenagers, and from my experience it is more likely to happen if one parent becomes involved in another relationship soon after the divorce. The child may think that the parent’s new relationship is the reason for the divorce and will have ill feelings towards this parent.

If you sense these feelings in your teen, or you see outward signs of this it may be time to find your child some extra help. If you are the parent that is being rejected, it can be even harder to help your child work through this since they are likely not open to listening to you. If you and your ex are on good terms, it may be worth the effort to speak to them about the problem and see if they can talk to your child on your behalf. If the child knows that the other parent is not resentful, it may help them to accept the changes going on in their life a bit better.

This is especially important to nip in the bud if you have more than one child. Because one child can influence the others if they are acting out or speaking bad of one or both parents. You do not want your younger children to start seeing one parent as being the bad guy and the other as being the victim. These kinds of thoughts can have lifelong impact and harm the child’s relationship with the parent in the future.